deliciousinterludes said: Hi Chuck! I donated to save the animals AND to get an advance copy of your book. What could be better? Squee! Thank you for being awesome.

Squeal back!  Raise dah roof! 

Anonymous said: CHUCK CHUCK CHUCK do me on a train.

Send a photo. 

ladyofwinterhell said: I saw your post about Pixie Project getting another 40 books to give away in exchange for donations and promptly donated some money and then realized I may have jumped the gun. I did a paypal donation and put my address in the notes field. Is that what I should have done, or will there be something more formal? Did my over-excitement cost me a precious early reader copy of "Beautiful You?"

I think you’re okay.  Please check with Amy tomorrow.  I did hold back one copy for any mess-ups.  I was a Boy Scout. Double-pinkie swear.

luficerrr said: Hi my friend really loves you could you say hi Hayley for me pleaseeeee!!! :)

"Hi Hayley!  Whee I’m drunk on wine.  Had dinner with Lidia Yuknavitch.  Gotta go beddy-bye. 

flora-file said: I've heard it said that when your parents die it releases you as a writer. Were there things you were reluctant to write while your parents were still alive? Did their deaths free you as a writer? Is there release or inspiration in such misery? I also heard you like gardening. I like gardening. Coincidence? I think not. You are so beautifully twisted. I love you man.

You wrote a mouthful.  I am so happy I don’t have to explain “Beautiful You” to my parents.   From now own, I get to be hyper-honest and risk everything.  Now it’s my job to offend other people’s parents.  ‘Just saying.

bowchicawow-wow said: Is it at all weird that misspelling your own name made me love you even more?

Once a dork, always a dork.  I admit it.  Such is my burden.

Anonymous said: Do you ever worry of becoming mainstream? with your books being adapted on screen. sort of like the fault in our stars situation..

Yeah, I dream of seeing ‘Cannibal’ adapted as a big summer date flick.  A vehicle for Lindsey Lohan or Elle Fanning.  Seriously, I think most of my stuff is safe from ever being translated to the Big Screen.  As long as my editor is giving me lectures about ‘bad taste’ I’m still not bankable.

I want a tattoo that says “Not Bankable.”

sexandcigarettesfordeath said: I just had my fiancé watch a YouTube video of you reading guts and twenty minutes go by and she's like "yeah, I'm not feeling too good" then ten more minutes go by and she says "yeah, it's time to go throw up." She's got a constantly upset stomach. Then we went out for a cigarette and she comes back in and says "... You know why I think I threw up...?" And I got so excited! She threw up because of your story! You're awesome! How many people have been physically upset over that story?

Hey, no need to thank me.  ‘Just doing my job. 

Anonymous said: I feel sad that we are both on tumblr

Hey, it’s not like I live here.  I’ll be gone next week.  Savor the fuck’n moment, dude.

milking life

It was late last saturday night. I was sitting in front of my laptop, scrolling though the vast nothing of the internet, killing time. Probably looking for some new fetish to develop, can’t have enough of those. Anyhow.

Life in a village in Germany is dull. There’s nothing to do on a weekend. Except working on your alcohol dependency, which is kind of a citizen’s duty here. Such must have been the thinking of three teenagers, none of them older than 16. When I heard a strange sound, I at first thought the sleeping pills finally began doing their magic of dumbing you down. Then I heard it again, also some shuffling and giggling. And the faint sound of a bell, coming closer. So I got up. When I peeked through the window, I saw them. Three guys, giggling like girls, having a cow on a leash, walking through the streets. I had to ask. It was a strange scene.

"Look at her! She’s so cute and was so lonely back on that field there. We adopted her! Please don’t call the cops."

Of course, I did what any sane person would have done.

"Shut up, open the gate to the front yard. Bring your cow, let’s have a beer."

I was so bored, I didn’t even realize that it might be inappropriate for me, being almost ten years their senior (always wanted to use that term), to give them beer and encourage them in their shenanigans. Did I mention the sleeping pills, though?

The next morning, I awoke to the sun rising over my half-naked body. The boys were gone, so was the beer.

I now have a cow in my yard. Fed her for two days, waiting for someone to come looking for her. Her milk is magnificent.

Since I don’t have a question, really, I thought I’d share this experience with you. Germany can be fun. Uh, now I do have a question! Any chance you’ll ever visit Germany?

Thank you for the lovely cow story.  I’m dying to revisit Germany now that my German speaking skills are even more rusty.  Please tell me your cow has since gone home.

In trade I’ll relate a story told to me by a sweet young lady at Comic Con.  It’s been edited here for length, but the teller pulled me aside and told it to me in a quiet corner of a lecture hall.  In high school she was trying anal sex with her boyfriend, on her parents’ bed, while they were away.  Midway through the act, they heard a car pull into the driveway.  Her parents were back.  In terror, the young woman pushed out a turd.  Panicked, they left the poo on the bed and hid in a closet.  In hiding, she heard her mother say, “This is the last straw!”  And her mother and father quickly left the house.  Later, she realized they’d taken the family dog to be euthanized.   She’s never been able to tell them that it was her, not the dog, who pooped on their bed.   That’s a sad/funny story.